5. Confession
2:05 pm, Friday, 26 April
*Grin* :-}
Yeah I know I said I was giving up on this blog, but the shrink I've been seeing for the past two weeks says it will be good for me to "reflect on my life" - which is shrink talk for navel gazing for crazies! So here goes again…
Nearly two weeks and mom's condition is unchanged. She is still in a coma. Still lying next to death's cold embrace.
I have not spoken to Randle despite hundreds of missed calls and messages from him.. He just feels guilt for his Judas-backstabbing-behavior. I will never forgive him and I certainly have no intention of speaking to him now or ever again.
Yeah I know I said I was giving up on this blog, but the shrink I've been seeing for the past two weeks says it will be good for me to "reflect on my life" - which is shrink talk for navel gazing for crazies! So here goes again…
Nearly two weeks and mom's condition is unchanged. She is still in a coma. Still lying next to death's cold embrace.
I have not spoken to Randle despite hundreds of missed calls and messages from him.. He just feels guilt for his Judas-backstabbing-behavior. I will never forgive him and I certainly have no intention of speaking to him now or ever again.
3:55 pm, Friday, 26 April
"Malo," Dana calls. I look up from the TV program I'm staring at but have no idea what it is.
"Yeah?"
"I have a great idea. The doctors have said that your mom is stable and it's unlikely there will be any change in the near future. Also we have no commitments at the moment..."
I love Dana's "no commitments" euphemism for "you're unemployed and doing nothing"
"...So I was thinking we take a couple of days off. Let's go away. We haven't been away for a little while now."
Another Dana euphemism for "six years with not a single break!"
"Also I've been feeling really tired and drained recently, probably because of all this stress. I think we could both do with a break."
"I just don't think we should," I reply.
"Why not?" Dana asks.
"Mom needs me."
Dana pauses, looking at me, and says, "Malo, I need you."
Her answer slams into me like a ton of bricks. "I need you."
I'm jerked from my self-indulging state of pity, by her words and her watery eyes. Those beautiful sparkling eyes are now brimming with tears. My Dana. She has been so resilient, so strong, so supportive in all of this and all I could do was think about myself. And now I have even managed to hurt her too. "Oh my God help me," I cry quietly to my silent, invisible God.
"Sorry Dana. I love you. You are right. You have always been right. I have failed you in so many ways..." I'm cut off as she places her finger gently on my lips. "No more of that. Let's just get away for a bit."
"Yeah?"
"I have a great idea. The doctors have said that your mom is stable and it's unlikely there will be any change in the near future. Also we have no commitments at the moment..."
I love Dana's "no commitments" euphemism for "you're unemployed and doing nothing"
"...So I was thinking we take a couple of days off. Let's go away. We haven't been away for a little while now."
Another Dana euphemism for "six years with not a single break!"
"Also I've been feeling really tired and drained recently, probably because of all this stress. I think we could both do with a break."
"I just don't think we should," I reply.
"Why not?" Dana asks.
"Mom needs me."
Dana pauses, looking at me, and says, "Malo, I need you."
Her answer slams into me like a ton of bricks. "I need you."
I'm jerked from my self-indulging state of pity, by her words and her watery eyes. Those beautiful sparkling eyes are now brimming with tears. My Dana. She has been so resilient, so strong, so supportive in all of this and all I could do was think about myself. And now I have even managed to hurt her too. "Oh my God help me," I cry quietly to my silent, invisible God.
"Sorry Dana. I love you. You are right. You have always been right. I have failed you in so many ways..." I'm cut off as she places her finger gently on my lips. "No more of that. Let's just get away for a bit."
6:36 pm, Friday, 26 April
This is the most normal I've felt in weeks. Dana and I are eating our favorite Chinese takeout, Chicken Chow Mein and Crab Rangoon seated on the lounge floor. A map and a pile of brochures surrounds us. We have been collecting brochures of places we have wanted to visit for years now. Maybe now we can at least visit one
"How about this one," I suggest reading a glossy brochure in my hand. "Desert Rose Villas. Luxury suites surrounded by the untouched beauty of the Grande wilderness." I hand it to Dana.
"Nah! I'm not in the mood for a deserty place. I want something refreshing, something up in the mountains. How about this place," she says chewing on her bottom lip, which she does when she's thinking. "Eagle's View Mountain Lodge. It says that it is nestled just below the majestic Jagged Peaks Mountain range. Easy access to beautiful walks or simply laze away the day next to our river fed pool overlooking the valley below."
I can see that this place has stuck a chord with Dana. "OK. Yes! Lets do it!" I say. Let’s do something we’ve dreamed of.
"How about this one," I suggest reading a glossy brochure in my hand. "Desert Rose Villas. Luxury suites surrounded by the untouched beauty of the Grande wilderness." I hand it to Dana.
"Nah! I'm not in the mood for a deserty place. I want something refreshing, something up in the mountains. How about this place," she says chewing on her bottom lip, which she does when she's thinking. "Eagle's View Mountain Lodge. It says that it is nestled just below the majestic Jagged Peaks Mountain range. Easy access to beautiful walks or simply laze away the day next to our river fed pool overlooking the valley below."
I can see that this place has stuck a chord with Dana. "OK. Yes! Lets do it!" I say. Let’s do something we’ve dreamed of.
10:09 pm, Friday, 26 April
The reservation has been made for Eagle's View Mountain Lodge. We have also packed so that we are ready to leave first thing tomorrow morning. It's only a 3 hour drive but we want to get going as soon as we can.
"Thank You."
Just two words uttered by Dana as we finally get into bed after packing. Just two words that slice through me to my core. Just two words that shout - "It's been all about you!" "Please Lord, help me. How can I make it less about me and more about others?"
"Thank You."
Just two words uttered by Dana as we finally get into bed after packing. Just two words that slice through me to my core. Just two words that shout - "It's been all about you!" "Please Lord, help me. How can I make it less about me and more about others?"