16. Building
2:18 pm, Sun, 5 May
We drive for about twenty minutes before turning off the main road onto the smaller country lanes. A few minutes later we meander up a small road leading towards a hill covered with vineyards. "Nice area," I say, looking at the vineyard growing on the side of the gently sloping hill.
"There it is!" Dana says as we round a corner. And there before us on an open plot of ground, is a large, old, disused barn. Patches of brown grass, interspersed with weeds full the area in front of the barn. Just behind the barn the vines stretch upward towards the hills beyond.
"Wow, this looks tranquil," I say soaking in the surroundings. "But where's the building?" I ask looking around.
"There," Dana replies, pointing at the barn, "that's it."
"The barn?" I reply. "You want to open a dance studio in that old barn?"
"Yes," she replies with a smile. "I knew we couldn't afford something fancy in town, but with time and energy we can make this old barn just perfect. Come and see," she says grabbing my hand and pulling me along like an excited kid.
"There it is!" Dana says as we round a corner. And there before us on an open plot of ground, is a large, old, disused barn. Patches of brown grass, interspersed with weeds full the area in front of the barn. Just behind the barn the vines stretch upward towards the hills beyond.
"Wow, this looks tranquil," I say soaking in the surroundings. "But where's the building?" I ask looking around.
"There," Dana replies, pointing at the barn, "that's it."
"The barn?" I reply. "You want to open a dance studio in that old barn?"
"Yes," she replies with a smile. "I knew we couldn't afford something fancy in town, but with time and energy we can make this old barn just perfect. Come and see," she says grabbing my hand and pulling me along like an excited kid.
2:41 pm, Sun, 5 May
The barn is just that - a barn. Huge double doors open to grant entry into a musty smelling interior. Inside is a large cavernous main area with two smaller partitions on the one side. A ladder leads up towards a landing that obviously once was used for housing hay or wool or something. "What do you think?" Dana gushes in excitement. "Do you think we can make it work?"
"Well, it's a solid looking structure," I say, "which is important, but it does need a lot of work to make it usable," I say as I brush away some broken flooring to get a better look at the condition of the floor below.
"Aah, Malo. Don't you think it will be just perfect if we can fix it? Do you know that just up the next street there is a home for abandoned and orphaned children? They are going to be my very first project." I remember how inclusive Dana always was of Randle when she learned about his past. He had grown up in an orphanage, abandoned by his mother at 18 months. He had been absolutely determined to make a success of his life. “Living in an orphanage teaches you something Malo,” he had confided in me once. “It teaches you that life does you no favors. You must go out and get your own favors.” It was a bit of a cynical approach, but that was Randle. Go out and make things happen. He worked two jobs while studying at college, absolutely determined to make sure he got that qualification.
I can see Dana's excitement. I'm cursing my cautious nature because I don't want to dampen her enthusiasm. This has been her dream. But I have to be cautious. Our finances are uncertain at the moment – no job, the payout all in the future and subject to lots of conditions I can’t control, and this place is going to take a lot of cash to get going. In fact at first glance its a bit of a dump. But then maybe it is time for Dana to have a turn to follow her dream. Why must it always be about me and my dreams?
"I tell you what," I say, "let me take a walk around the barn and look at it carefully. Let's see what we have and then we can make an informed decision."
"Thanks Malo. That sounds perfect,” Dana replies. “ I’m going to go out front to do a sketch of the barn,” she continues. “I want to draw it as I see it, then I know you'll love my vision."
"I do love your vision," I reply, "I just want to be sure. You sketch. I'll check." With that Dana grabs a sketch pad she had carried from the car and heads to a spot in front of the barn to draw her vision.
I follow her out and then start walking slowly anti-clockwise around the outside of the barn. As I walk I carefully examine the exterior of the structure. It seems solid but in need of a lot of work. I turn the corner and head up the right side where I notice there is a window that is going to need to be replaced. Besides that it all looks reasonable. I then reach the back side, bordering the vineyard and stop to inspect a hoist that is attached to a pulley higher up on the side of the barn. It appears to have been used to hoist hay bales or sacks up to the upper floor storage area of the barn.
"I wonder what we would store up there?" I think to myself.
"You won't have any problem finding things to store," a voice replies next to me, "it's storing the right thing that is the tricky bit."
I get such a fright, I nearly bump my head on the hook on the end of the pulley. Turning around I see Yesh beaming his smile at me.
"Well, it's a solid looking structure," I say, "which is important, but it does need a lot of work to make it usable," I say as I brush away some broken flooring to get a better look at the condition of the floor below.
"Aah, Malo. Don't you think it will be just perfect if we can fix it? Do you know that just up the next street there is a home for abandoned and orphaned children? They are going to be my very first project." I remember how inclusive Dana always was of Randle when she learned about his past. He had grown up in an orphanage, abandoned by his mother at 18 months. He had been absolutely determined to make a success of his life. “Living in an orphanage teaches you something Malo,” he had confided in me once. “It teaches you that life does you no favors. You must go out and get your own favors.” It was a bit of a cynical approach, but that was Randle. Go out and make things happen. He worked two jobs while studying at college, absolutely determined to make sure he got that qualification.
I can see Dana's excitement. I'm cursing my cautious nature because I don't want to dampen her enthusiasm. This has been her dream. But I have to be cautious. Our finances are uncertain at the moment – no job, the payout all in the future and subject to lots of conditions I can’t control, and this place is going to take a lot of cash to get going. In fact at first glance its a bit of a dump. But then maybe it is time for Dana to have a turn to follow her dream. Why must it always be about me and my dreams?
"I tell you what," I say, "let me take a walk around the barn and look at it carefully. Let's see what we have and then we can make an informed decision."
"Thanks Malo. That sounds perfect,” Dana replies. “ I’m going to go out front to do a sketch of the barn,” she continues. “I want to draw it as I see it, then I know you'll love my vision."
"I do love your vision," I reply, "I just want to be sure. You sketch. I'll check." With that Dana grabs a sketch pad she had carried from the car and heads to a spot in front of the barn to draw her vision.
I follow her out and then start walking slowly anti-clockwise around the outside of the barn. As I walk I carefully examine the exterior of the structure. It seems solid but in need of a lot of work. I turn the corner and head up the right side where I notice there is a window that is going to need to be replaced. Besides that it all looks reasonable. I then reach the back side, bordering the vineyard and stop to inspect a hoist that is attached to a pulley higher up on the side of the barn. It appears to have been used to hoist hay bales or sacks up to the upper floor storage area of the barn.
"I wonder what we would store up there?" I think to myself.
"You won't have any problem finding things to store," a voice replies next to me, "it's storing the right thing that is the tricky bit."
I get such a fright, I nearly bump my head on the hook on the end of the pulley. Turning around I see Yesh beaming his smile at me.
??:??, Sun, 5 May
"What!" I exclaim. "Yesh, it's you. How? Right here? I didn't squeeze through holes or drop off trees."
"I never said you had to do that," he says smiling. "It's a fascinating barn this," he says looking up at the barn behind me.
"Wait!" I say, "I want to get someone. Will you wait here. Like no disappearing?"
"Malo, I have no intention of going anywhere, I am with you always, even to the end of your age. It's you who keeps leaving. But go if you want."
I race back around the barn, the way I have just come. I am going to show Dana that I am not crazy. As I arrive at the front of the barn I skid to a halt on the soft carpet-like grass. The azure blue sky stoops to kiss the deep green carpet of grass that stretches out in front of the barn. There is no Dana. In fact there is no car. No brown grass. No weeds. I spin around and look at the barn. It looks in perfect condition. It looks new. It looks amazing. What?
I trudge back around to where I left Yesh. He is still standing there doing something with a piece of wood.
Well at least he is still here, I think.
"I told you," he says, "I never leave."
I don't think I'll ever get used to him answering my unspoken thoughts.
"Ok, ok, so you're back. Right, now I really need to know, are you Jesus? I mean I think you are, but it's just a bit confusing. Like, why did you say you are Yesh?" I look keenly at him, hoping to maybe understand more.
"Names are so interesting," he replies. "In many ways its all about names. You'll understand that eventually."
"What do you mean?" I ask.
"Patience, Malo. You are not ready yet."
"OK, but I am ready to know who you are."
"Indeed you are. You are now ready to learn about the other side of the journey to God."
"What do you mean, ‘the other side’?" I ask.
"Up until now your journey has been about you. Opening YOUR hand. Giving up YOUR self. Now you need to learn about the other side. Here help me with this."
I look down and notice that he has a long beautifully engraved wooden sign in his hands. "What do you think?" he asks holding the sign up.
It says "God's Word".
"Yeah, very nice," I say, "what's it for?"
"I want to hang it up at the front of the barn," he says picking up the sign and walking off.
I quickly follow after him. He stops next to the large barn doors, that are wide open revealing a clean and neat interior. "Yes here," Yesh says looking at a spot just to the right of the open barn doors. "This is the perfect spot. Malo, could you hold the sign up?"
"Sure," I say, picking up the wooden sign with both hands. "Where do you want it?" I ask.
"It needs to be up high, as high as possible," Yesh says pointing above where I am holding it. I easily lift the sign, and with both hands extended I hold it in position against the wall.
"Great," Yesh replies. "But it has to be perfect. Left a little up."
I raise the left side a little.
"OK, a little more," Yesh says.
I nudge it up a bit more.
"OK, that's close. Now stay level and move the sign right a bit."
Holding it as steady as I can I slide the sign across.
"Enough?" I ask.
"Yes, that's great. Just raise the right a dash more," he asks.
I slide it up slightly trying to make sure the left side stays in position.
Man...Yesh is a real perfectionist.
"It has to be perfect," he says. "Right, you've got it. Now keep it like that, I'll be back." And before I can say anything he disappears around the side of the barn.
After a few minutes my arms are starting to get tired. I widen my stance slightly to help me stay steady. It helps a little. A few more minutes pass and I'm sure he must be appearing soon. I try and glance sideways to see if I can see him coming, but I can’t see far because I’m stuck to the barn holding the sign.
How long is he going to remain away? I wonder. He asked me to hold this up. I'm doing my best, but I'm no super being. "Come on Yesh, where are you?" I call. "I can't keep this up much longer."
"Malo, what have you done while I was gone?" Yesh says appearing suddenly behind me.
"What do you mean? I've been holding this up the whole time." I reply.
"Yes, I can see that, but it's all skew and out of position. You were meant to keep it perfect," Yesh responds, “like I showed you.”
"Aah, forget it," I say dropping the sign to the floor. I was trying my best. You could at least be appreciative," I snap back feeling irritated.
"I know you were doing your best Malo, but it has to be perfect not just your best, but don't worry I have solved this problem. Could you go into the barn and grab the things on the workbench inside."
I stomp off wondering what he was doing all this time when he could have just gone into the barn himself to get whatever is there.
The inside of the barn is fresh and clean, and brightly lit and aired by the clear sunlight and fresh breeze that streams through the large windows set high up in the walls. On the right is a large wooden workbench with an array of carpentry tools on it. However lying separately is a hammer and three long, cruel looking nails. I've seen the nails we get at our hardware store, but these look like they were fashioned for something else. I grab the nails and hammer and head back out.
Yesh has positioned the sign next to the door, and somehow it is perfectly centered and perfectly level. Not sure why he asked me to do it in the first place. "Malo, pass that to me please," he says indicating the hammer and nails I'm holding. I pass him the hammer and the three long nails.
"Aren't these nails a bit of overkill?" I ask.
"They were made for exactly that," Yesh replies. "Now put your hands here Malo, and hold the sign steady."
With the skill of someone who obviously has worked with these instruments before he quickly drives the three long nails into the sign, securing it perfectly to the barn. "Hold your position there Malo," he says stepping back and looking at his handiwork. "Aah, it is finished."
I am still standing there holding the sign above my head. "Now that's perfect Malo," he says. "Now you are doing as I asked, upholding the word of God perfectly."
"What? I'm not doing anything," I say quickly letting go of the sign and feeling a little silly having been holding a nailed sign up. "You can't thank me for that."
"You have rightly said," Yesh answers. With that he begins to walk off towards the left side of the barn.
"Where you going?" I call after him. "There's something I wanted to sort out by the stream just there next to the barn," he says turning to look at me. "This is ridiculous,” I mumble to myself, but follow after him.
I had not noticed the stream running next to the barn when I had arrived with Dana. It flows with a crystal tinkle gently past the barn. "Hmm," Yesh says seemingly pondering something.
"Hmm...what?" I reply.
"I want to build a little foot bridge across here," he says.
"What for?" I say "you could just walk over the water...I've seen that." He turns and smiles that knowing look.
"But building bridges," he replies, "is important work. Come let's do it."
I had a vision of a simple wooden bridge, but Yesh has a completely different idea. "You see that pile of stones there?" he says. I look where he is pointing and see a neatly stacked pile of chisel shaped stones lying next to a pile of off-cut pieces. Each perfectly formed by some master craftsman. "That's what we are going to use. Go grab a few and let's get going."
I head on over to the pile of stones and am impressed by how perfectly each one has been crafted out of stone. I return with four stones, surprised that they are not a lot heavier. After placing them next to Yesh I head back for some more. I realize I am just going to be the manual labor in this endeavor, my masonry skills are certainly lacking.
When I return Yesh has placed the stones next to each other building what seems like a ramp. I don't see what is sticking the stones together, but then I've grown to accept that sort of mystery around Yesh.
After a while I notice that he seems to be building an arch of some sort. He has started a similar structure on the far side of the stream. "What in the world are you building?" I ask, "it looks complex."
"This has to be done properly,” he replies, “and the strongest structures are arches, so that's the bridge I want."
"OK," I shrug as I head off to get more stones, “suit yourself.”
After a while the structure is nearly complete. Miraculously it seems to have almost grown from both sides of the stream, arching out to nearly meet in the middle.
"Malo," Yesh says as I'm about to head off and get some more stones. "I only need one more to complete this. The final stone in the middle which will allow the two sides to meet and hold the structure together. Go get me one more stone."
I head off and return holding a particularly smooth shaped stone. "Here,” I say, "try this.”
Yesh takes it, but when he tries to fit it in the gap between the two sides it’s too big. "No," he replies, “it's the wrong size. See what else you can find. It really has to be perfect." I look at the gap and see what size stone it needs. It’s actually quite small I realize, but without it this is not going to work. I really don't want Yesh's efforts to be in vain. I look through the stones and find another that looks like it will do the job. However when Yesh tries it, it is also too big.
“No Malo,” Yesh says, “unfortunately this is also the wrong size. “See what else you can find.” I head back again and decide it will be better if I bring a whole lot that he can try rather than walking back and forward like this. I select twelve different small stones, of differing shapes and sizes. Surely one of these will fit. However, much to my dismay none of them is right.
“Malo,” Yesh says after trying the last stone, “none of these is working. There must be one that works. Go look again.”
“Hmff,” I sigh under my breath, as I trudge off once again. “This is pointless,” I think. “He should of thought about what materials he had before he started building. I expected more. Every builder knows you plan before you build.”
I look through the neatly shaped stones but now realize that none of these will work. For a moment I am not sure what to do and then I notice the off-cuts lying just behind them.
“Hmm,” I wonder to myself, “could there be something in those.” I look through all the discards and my eye falls on a small smooth stone. I know immediately this is the one. I grab it and run back to Yesh. "I’ve got it," I proclaim excitedly, "and I will have you know it wasn't from your nice pile either." Yesh smiles as he takes the stone and fits it in the gap.
It's perfect!
Then to my astonishment, all of a sudden the bridge seems to fuse as a perfect smooth one.
"Come on," Yesh says, " lets try it."
"It's amazing," I say as I run my hand along the now smooth stone surface as I walk across the bridge. "It really is amazing! That final stone from the rejected pile...wow..." I trail off.
"That's hungry work carrying all those stones," Yesh says, "how about a snack?" On the grass just beyond the bridge is a blanket and a basket. "Were you expecting me for lunch?" I ask noticing it. "Always good to be prepared to show hospitality," he says beaming me a smile.
He pulls out two plates, one small bread roll and one small fish. "You're going to love this," he says. I'm thinking, "Yeah, but it doesn't look like much for two people. He did say ‘snack’ but I had sort of hoped for a bit more."
He looks up and almost conversationally, says, "Dad, thank you for always caring, always providing, and always being there." He then looks at me, "Here help yourself.”
I break a small piece of the roll and a piece of fish and place it on my plate. It’s sushi portions – not enough. Yesh also breaks some for himself, but to my surprise when I look at the fish and bread it looks like nothing was taken. I decide to take a little more and still it looks like I've taken nothing. Strange.
"Try it Malo," Yesh says, this is delicious. I try the soft flaky fish and it melts in my mouth. It tastes like nothing I’ve ever had before. I bite in the warm soft bread – how can it be warm? It mingles with the fish and creates an explosion of taste. I'm still marveling at how tasty this is when Yesh says, "Malo, with desire I have desired to share this with you." With that he stands up and walks up to the bridge and touches the place where he put the last stone. The bridge vanishes.
I'm still wondering what happened when he returns and holds open his hand. There in his scarred hand is another smooth white stone. The final one I gave him. Yet somehow I sense there is something different. Something different about the way Yesh holds it, and how he looks at me as he holds it out to me. I reach out, almost tentatively, and take it.
"No greater love," Yesh says as I receive it.
"What's that?" I ask.
"What do you see?" he replies.
I look at the stone and immediately I'm struck by the mark I see on it. A simple line with a flattened top. I've seen this. Just seen this. "It's...it's a nail," I stammer. The import of this is starting to flood over me.
"It's a nail. It's...it's your stone," I say looking up and seeing the loving look in his eyes as he looks at me.
"Yes. Malo, you have rightly spoken, this is the capstone, the stone the builders rejected."
"This Malo," Yesh continues, "is the other side of your journey. You have two stones.” As he says this I draw the two stones out of my pocket. “Two parts of your journey to God. You began by opening your hand, by giving, and then learnt that you needed to not only give but also to give up, to breathe out. But what happens when you breathe out Malo?"
“Well, you breathe in again,” I suggest.
“And if you don’t breathe in again?” Yesh asks.
"You die," I say.
"Yes, that's right. Once you breathe out you are essentially dead. That’s what you did. You breathed out. But now you need to live again. You've died to yourself but now you must live to God. You've experienced the first part of your journey to God, the YOU part,” he says emphasizing the ‘you’. Now it's time to move to the other part. Now it is time to decide if you want to move on. Now you need to make an important decision. You've asked who I am, it's time for me to tell you."
I lean forward in anticipation. Answers, finally some answers. Finally some answers in my life of confusion, my life of emptiness. Finally.
"Names are not just sounds Malo, but meanings. I know many people choose names just because of how they sound or who they know with that name. But my Dad never does that. For Dad a name tells you about the person. You call me Yesh, which is short for Yeshua. My name means God saves. That's who I am, that’s what I came to do, and that is what I do."
"So who's Jesus then?" I ask.
"Aah, sounds, languages," Yesh replies. "What's your choice. Hebrew? Yeshua. English? Savior. Greek...Jesus."
I look at him astounded. I've known but have never really believed. I've wondered but never really accepted. "But...but," I stammer, "where are we? What's this place?"
"Malo, are you prepared to accept the gift I've given you?"
I look down at the white marked stone in my hand. I feel it's love pulsating warmly in my hand.
"Yes," I reply softly.
"Yes!" I repeat with resolve.
"Yes!"
His smile makes it all worth it. "Malo if you accept and receive me you truly will experience the second part of this journey. A part, sadly, so few experience."
"What do you mean?" I ask.
"Have you made a list of things you must do for Dana?" Yesh asks.
"I'm not sure I follow," I say, a little confused by his sudden mention of Dana and changing of topic.
"Well, do you have a list that includes things such as - Make sure I buy Dana flowers once a week. Make sure I call Dana once a day. Make sure I tell Dana 'I love you' once a day."
"Oh no," I laugh. "Why would I do that?"
"Well, so you don't forget," Yesh says.
"I wouldn't forget those things," I reply.
"So if you came to Dana and handed her some flowers and said, 'Here Dana, this is on my list of things I know I must do for you today.' What would she say?"
"She would be horrified," I reply. "I would never do that!"
"You've answered correctly," Yesh replies. "You never would because..."
"I love her," I finish. "I never would because I love her."
"Then why Malo do you think the list you made of things you are going to do for God pleases him? What was it...Go to church regularly, read your Bible daily, do more outreach..."
"No," I interject. "Those are things I know I must do more of in order to become a better child of God."
"Malo," Yesh replies, "don't worry. You're not the first to make lists and rules in an attempt to bring you closer to God. People have been doing this for thousands of years. In fact my people had some of the best rule keeping systems around. It didn't work. In fact it was such a failure they sadly missed seeing me when I stood right in front of them."
Yesh pauses and look down at his open hands. It seems he is remembering the sorrow of being rejected by his own. He looks up and continues. "There is no self-improvement you can undertake that will please God, Malo. There is only one way and that is in Christ," he says pointing to the stone he has given me. "In Christ you are set right before God, not in trying to be good. If you try to be good in your own strength, you're just rebuilding the old decrepit, broken barn that I tore down," he says glancing at the beautiful new barn across the stream.
"I did try keeping my lists and rules a few times," I say, "but I never could. But I didn't want to stop. I thought if I just tried harder, if I just put in more effort I could be a better child of God. I wanted to please God. I just didn't want to give up..."
The phrase is still hanging in the air as the full weight of the words hit me. "I just didn't want to give up."
"That's my problem isn't it," I say looking at Yesh. "I wanted to please God by working my head off, just like I did in my job. I wanted it to be about me, what I did, what I achieved."
Yesh looks at me with his kind, understanding eyes and says, "But now you can leave behind the "laws man", the "me man", the “list man” and become God's man. I have showed you how. If you let me I will enable you to uphold God's word in your life. See the sign we nailed up on the barn over there," he says pointing back at the barn. "It's perfect, and it's still perfectly in position. Well done Malo, for keeping God's word perfectly."
"No I haven't," I interject, "I couldn't even hold it straight for even a short bit while waiting for you."
"That's right, yet now because of the nails, the sign hangs true. And so upholding of the sign is not what you did, but what the nails did for you. The life you will live, including everything and much more than your list, will not be yours but Christ living in you.”
“Malo, that is what I want for you. In Christ you will serve God not because you have lists, but because you love him. In Christ you will serve your neighbor, not because you have lists, but because you love them. That Malo, is what I offer you. The next part in your journey to God. My stone, given for you."
Just then I hear, "Malo, Malo, where are you?" I glance up in surprise and see Dana standing where I left her in front of the barn.
"Come," Yesh says, standing and walking nonchalantly on the water as he crosses the stream. "Dana is waiting." I run to catch up, and manage to leap over the stream without getting wet, by balancing on a boulder. I sure wouldn't mind having that walk-on-water skill, I think as I catch up to Yesh. One day…maybe one day.
"Go to Dana Malo, she has a message for you," Yesh says. "Remember me."
I hear a beautiful sound in the tree above me and looking up catch the radiant flash of orange and royal blue as the sunbird slowed a million times hovers in the air.
I'm standing in front of Dana. "Malo...what..." she begins. I turn to see if she is looking at Yesh but he has gone. I spin around and the old barn has replaced the new. Turning back to Dana I ask, "What were you going to say? What did you see?"
She is quiet for a bit as if thinking. "No, it's just silly."
"Please tell me, it's important," I plead, “What did you see?”
"It’s strange Malo, but for a moment your face looked like it was...well like it was shining, really shining. I told you it was silly. Probably me just spending too long out in the sun. Come on, did you get to have a look around? What do you think?"
How do I answer that? "It's beautiful," I reply, "it has more potential than we can ever imagine, if only we let Jesus build it."
She smiles, “I believe you are right, Malo. Here is my vision for this old barn,” she says turning the drawing she was working on around so I can see it. I’m stunned! It looks exactly like the place I’ve just seen with Yesh. She smiles, and grabbing her things heads back towards the car. “Is that the message Yesh said Dana had for me?” I wonder as I follow her to the car.
"I never said you had to do that," he says smiling. "It's a fascinating barn this," he says looking up at the barn behind me.
"Wait!" I say, "I want to get someone. Will you wait here. Like no disappearing?"
"Malo, I have no intention of going anywhere, I am with you always, even to the end of your age. It's you who keeps leaving. But go if you want."
I race back around the barn, the way I have just come. I am going to show Dana that I am not crazy. As I arrive at the front of the barn I skid to a halt on the soft carpet-like grass. The azure blue sky stoops to kiss the deep green carpet of grass that stretches out in front of the barn. There is no Dana. In fact there is no car. No brown grass. No weeds. I spin around and look at the barn. It looks in perfect condition. It looks new. It looks amazing. What?
I trudge back around to where I left Yesh. He is still standing there doing something with a piece of wood.
Well at least he is still here, I think.
"I told you," he says, "I never leave."
I don't think I'll ever get used to him answering my unspoken thoughts.
"Ok, ok, so you're back. Right, now I really need to know, are you Jesus? I mean I think you are, but it's just a bit confusing. Like, why did you say you are Yesh?" I look keenly at him, hoping to maybe understand more.
"Names are so interesting," he replies. "In many ways its all about names. You'll understand that eventually."
"What do you mean?" I ask.
"Patience, Malo. You are not ready yet."
"OK, but I am ready to know who you are."
"Indeed you are. You are now ready to learn about the other side of the journey to God."
"What do you mean, ‘the other side’?" I ask.
"Up until now your journey has been about you. Opening YOUR hand. Giving up YOUR self. Now you need to learn about the other side. Here help me with this."
I look down and notice that he has a long beautifully engraved wooden sign in his hands. "What do you think?" he asks holding the sign up.
It says "God's Word".
"Yeah, very nice," I say, "what's it for?"
"I want to hang it up at the front of the barn," he says picking up the sign and walking off.
I quickly follow after him. He stops next to the large barn doors, that are wide open revealing a clean and neat interior. "Yes here," Yesh says looking at a spot just to the right of the open barn doors. "This is the perfect spot. Malo, could you hold the sign up?"
"Sure," I say, picking up the wooden sign with both hands. "Where do you want it?" I ask.
"It needs to be up high, as high as possible," Yesh says pointing above where I am holding it. I easily lift the sign, and with both hands extended I hold it in position against the wall.
"Great," Yesh replies. "But it has to be perfect. Left a little up."
I raise the left side a little.
"OK, a little more," Yesh says.
I nudge it up a bit more.
"OK, that's close. Now stay level and move the sign right a bit."
Holding it as steady as I can I slide the sign across.
"Enough?" I ask.
"Yes, that's great. Just raise the right a dash more," he asks.
I slide it up slightly trying to make sure the left side stays in position.
Man...Yesh is a real perfectionist.
"It has to be perfect," he says. "Right, you've got it. Now keep it like that, I'll be back." And before I can say anything he disappears around the side of the barn.
After a few minutes my arms are starting to get tired. I widen my stance slightly to help me stay steady. It helps a little. A few more minutes pass and I'm sure he must be appearing soon. I try and glance sideways to see if I can see him coming, but I can’t see far because I’m stuck to the barn holding the sign.
How long is he going to remain away? I wonder. He asked me to hold this up. I'm doing my best, but I'm no super being. "Come on Yesh, where are you?" I call. "I can't keep this up much longer."
"Malo, what have you done while I was gone?" Yesh says appearing suddenly behind me.
"What do you mean? I've been holding this up the whole time." I reply.
"Yes, I can see that, but it's all skew and out of position. You were meant to keep it perfect," Yesh responds, “like I showed you.”
"Aah, forget it," I say dropping the sign to the floor. I was trying my best. You could at least be appreciative," I snap back feeling irritated.
"I know you were doing your best Malo, but it has to be perfect not just your best, but don't worry I have solved this problem. Could you go into the barn and grab the things on the workbench inside."
I stomp off wondering what he was doing all this time when he could have just gone into the barn himself to get whatever is there.
The inside of the barn is fresh and clean, and brightly lit and aired by the clear sunlight and fresh breeze that streams through the large windows set high up in the walls. On the right is a large wooden workbench with an array of carpentry tools on it. However lying separately is a hammer and three long, cruel looking nails. I've seen the nails we get at our hardware store, but these look like they were fashioned for something else. I grab the nails and hammer and head back out.
Yesh has positioned the sign next to the door, and somehow it is perfectly centered and perfectly level. Not sure why he asked me to do it in the first place. "Malo, pass that to me please," he says indicating the hammer and nails I'm holding. I pass him the hammer and the three long nails.
"Aren't these nails a bit of overkill?" I ask.
"They were made for exactly that," Yesh replies. "Now put your hands here Malo, and hold the sign steady."
With the skill of someone who obviously has worked with these instruments before he quickly drives the three long nails into the sign, securing it perfectly to the barn. "Hold your position there Malo," he says stepping back and looking at his handiwork. "Aah, it is finished."
I am still standing there holding the sign above my head. "Now that's perfect Malo," he says. "Now you are doing as I asked, upholding the word of God perfectly."
"What? I'm not doing anything," I say quickly letting go of the sign and feeling a little silly having been holding a nailed sign up. "You can't thank me for that."
"You have rightly said," Yesh answers. With that he begins to walk off towards the left side of the barn.
"Where you going?" I call after him. "There's something I wanted to sort out by the stream just there next to the barn," he says turning to look at me. "This is ridiculous,” I mumble to myself, but follow after him.
I had not noticed the stream running next to the barn when I had arrived with Dana. It flows with a crystal tinkle gently past the barn. "Hmm," Yesh says seemingly pondering something.
"Hmm...what?" I reply.
"I want to build a little foot bridge across here," he says.
"What for?" I say "you could just walk over the water...I've seen that." He turns and smiles that knowing look.
"But building bridges," he replies, "is important work. Come let's do it."
I had a vision of a simple wooden bridge, but Yesh has a completely different idea. "You see that pile of stones there?" he says. I look where he is pointing and see a neatly stacked pile of chisel shaped stones lying next to a pile of off-cut pieces. Each perfectly formed by some master craftsman. "That's what we are going to use. Go grab a few and let's get going."
I head on over to the pile of stones and am impressed by how perfectly each one has been crafted out of stone. I return with four stones, surprised that they are not a lot heavier. After placing them next to Yesh I head back for some more. I realize I am just going to be the manual labor in this endeavor, my masonry skills are certainly lacking.
When I return Yesh has placed the stones next to each other building what seems like a ramp. I don't see what is sticking the stones together, but then I've grown to accept that sort of mystery around Yesh.
After a while I notice that he seems to be building an arch of some sort. He has started a similar structure on the far side of the stream. "What in the world are you building?" I ask, "it looks complex."
"This has to be done properly,” he replies, “and the strongest structures are arches, so that's the bridge I want."
"OK," I shrug as I head off to get more stones, “suit yourself.”
After a while the structure is nearly complete. Miraculously it seems to have almost grown from both sides of the stream, arching out to nearly meet in the middle.
"Malo," Yesh says as I'm about to head off and get some more stones. "I only need one more to complete this. The final stone in the middle which will allow the two sides to meet and hold the structure together. Go get me one more stone."
I head off and return holding a particularly smooth shaped stone. "Here,” I say, "try this.”
Yesh takes it, but when he tries to fit it in the gap between the two sides it’s too big. "No," he replies, “it's the wrong size. See what else you can find. It really has to be perfect." I look at the gap and see what size stone it needs. It’s actually quite small I realize, but without it this is not going to work. I really don't want Yesh's efforts to be in vain. I look through the stones and find another that looks like it will do the job. However when Yesh tries it, it is also too big.
“No Malo,” Yesh says, “unfortunately this is also the wrong size. “See what else you can find.” I head back again and decide it will be better if I bring a whole lot that he can try rather than walking back and forward like this. I select twelve different small stones, of differing shapes and sizes. Surely one of these will fit. However, much to my dismay none of them is right.
“Malo,” Yesh says after trying the last stone, “none of these is working. There must be one that works. Go look again.”
“Hmff,” I sigh under my breath, as I trudge off once again. “This is pointless,” I think. “He should of thought about what materials he had before he started building. I expected more. Every builder knows you plan before you build.”
I look through the neatly shaped stones but now realize that none of these will work. For a moment I am not sure what to do and then I notice the off-cuts lying just behind them.
“Hmm,” I wonder to myself, “could there be something in those.” I look through all the discards and my eye falls on a small smooth stone. I know immediately this is the one. I grab it and run back to Yesh. "I’ve got it," I proclaim excitedly, "and I will have you know it wasn't from your nice pile either." Yesh smiles as he takes the stone and fits it in the gap.
It's perfect!
Then to my astonishment, all of a sudden the bridge seems to fuse as a perfect smooth one.
"Come on," Yesh says, " lets try it."
"It's amazing," I say as I run my hand along the now smooth stone surface as I walk across the bridge. "It really is amazing! That final stone from the rejected pile...wow..." I trail off.
"That's hungry work carrying all those stones," Yesh says, "how about a snack?" On the grass just beyond the bridge is a blanket and a basket. "Were you expecting me for lunch?" I ask noticing it. "Always good to be prepared to show hospitality," he says beaming me a smile.
He pulls out two plates, one small bread roll and one small fish. "You're going to love this," he says. I'm thinking, "Yeah, but it doesn't look like much for two people. He did say ‘snack’ but I had sort of hoped for a bit more."
He looks up and almost conversationally, says, "Dad, thank you for always caring, always providing, and always being there." He then looks at me, "Here help yourself.”
I break a small piece of the roll and a piece of fish and place it on my plate. It’s sushi portions – not enough. Yesh also breaks some for himself, but to my surprise when I look at the fish and bread it looks like nothing was taken. I decide to take a little more and still it looks like I've taken nothing. Strange.
"Try it Malo," Yesh says, this is delicious. I try the soft flaky fish and it melts in my mouth. It tastes like nothing I’ve ever had before. I bite in the warm soft bread – how can it be warm? It mingles with the fish and creates an explosion of taste. I'm still marveling at how tasty this is when Yesh says, "Malo, with desire I have desired to share this with you." With that he stands up and walks up to the bridge and touches the place where he put the last stone. The bridge vanishes.
I'm still wondering what happened when he returns and holds open his hand. There in his scarred hand is another smooth white stone. The final one I gave him. Yet somehow I sense there is something different. Something different about the way Yesh holds it, and how he looks at me as he holds it out to me. I reach out, almost tentatively, and take it.
"No greater love," Yesh says as I receive it.
"What's that?" I ask.
"What do you see?" he replies.
I look at the stone and immediately I'm struck by the mark I see on it. A simple line with a flattened top. I've seen this. Just seen this. "It's...it's a nail," I stammer. The import of this is starting to flood over me.
"It's a nail. It's...it's your stone," I say looking up and seeing the loving look in his eyes as he looks at me.
"Yes. Malo, you have rightly spoken, this is the capstone, the stone the builders rejected."
"This Malo," Yesh continues, "is the other side of your journey. You have two stones.” As he says this I draw the two stones out of my pocket. “Two parts of your journey to God. You began by opening your hand, by giving, and then learnt that you needed to not only give but also to give up, to breathe out. But what happens when you breathe out Malo?"
“Well, you breathe in again,” I suggest.
“And if you don’t breathe in again?” Yesh asks.
"You die," I say.
"Yes, that's right. Once you breathe out you are essentially dead. That’s what you did. You breathed out. But now you need to live again. You've died to yourself but now you must live to God. You've experienced the first part of your journey to God, the YOU part,” he says emphasizing the ‘you’. Now it's time to move to the other part. Now it is time to decide if you want to move on. Now you need to make an important decision. You've asked who I am, it's time for me to tell you."
I lean forward in anticipation. Answers, finally some answers. Finally some answers in my life of confusion, my life of emptiness. Finally.
"Names are not just sounds Malo, but meanings. I know many people choose names just because of how they sound or who they know with that name. But my Dad never does that. For Dad a name tells you about the person. You call me Yesh, which is short for Yeshua. My name means God saves. That's who I am, that’s what I came to do, and that is what I do."
"So who's Jesus then?" I ask.
"Aah, sounds, languages," Yesh replies. "What's your choice. Hebrew? Yeshua. English? Savior. Greek...Jesus."
I look at him astounded. I've known but have never really believed. I've wondered but never really accepted. "But...but," I stammer, "where are we? What's this place?"
"Malo, are you prepared to accept the gift I've given you?"
I look down at the white marked stone in my hand. I feel it's love pulsating warmly in my hand.
"Yes," I reply softly.
"Yes!" I repeat with resolve.
"Yes!"
His smile makes it all worth it. "Malo if you accept and receive me you truly will experience the second part of this journey. A part, sadly, so few experience."
"What do you mean?" I ask.
"Have you made a list of things you must do for Dana?" Yesh asks.
"I'm not sure I follow," I say, a little confused by his sudden mention of Dana and changing of topic.
"Well, do you have a list that includes things such as - Make sure I buy Dana flowers once a week. Make sure I call Dana once a day. Make sure I tell Dana 'I love you' once a day."
"Oh no," I laugh. "Why would I do that?"
"Well, so you don't forget," Yesh says.
"I wouldn't forget those things," I reply.
"So if you came to Dana and handed her some flowers and said, 'Here Dana, this is on my list of things I know I must do for you today.' What would she say?"
"She would be horrified," I reply. "I would never do that!"
"You've answered correctly," Yesh replies. "You never would because..."
"I love her," I finish. "I never would because I love her."
"Then why Malo do you think the list you made of things you are going to do for God pleases him? What was it...Go to church regularly, read your Bible daily, do more outreach..."
"No," I interject. "Those are things I know I must do more of in order to become a better child of God."
"Malo," Yesh replies, "don't worry. You're not the first to make lists and rules in an attempt to bring you closer to God. People have been doing this for thousands of years. In fact my people had some of the best rule keeping systems around. It didn't work. In fact it was such a failure they sadly missed seeing me when I stood right in front of them."
Yesh pauses and look down at his open hands. It seems he is remembering the sorrow of being rejected by his own. He looks up and continues. "There is no self-improvement you can undertake that will please God, Malo. There is only one way and that is in Christ," he says pointing to the stone he has given me. "In Christ you are set right before God, not in trying to be good. If you try to be good in your own strength, you're just rebuilding the old decrepit, broken barn that I tore down," he says glancing at the beautiful new barn across the stream.
"I did try keeping my lists and rules a few times," I say, "but I never could. But I didn't want to stop. I thought if I just tried harder, if I just put in more effort I could be a better child of God. I wanted to please God. I just didn't want to give up..."
The phrase is still hanging in the air as the full weight of the words hit me. "I just didn't want to give up."
"That's my problem isn't it," I say looking at Yesh. "I wanted to please God by working my head off, just like I did in my job. I wanted it to be about me, what I did, what I achieved."
Yesh looks at me with his kind, understanding eyes and says, "But now you can leave behind the "laws man", the "me man", the “list man” and become God's man. I have showed you how. If you let me I will enable you to uphold God's word in your life. See the sign we nailed up on the barn over there," he says pointing back at the barn. "It's perfect, and it's still perfectly in position. Well done Malo, for keeping God's word perfectly."
"No I haven't," I interject, "I couldn't even hold it straight for even a short bit while waiting for you."
"That's right, yet now because of the nails, the sign hangs true. And so upholding of the sign is not what you did, but what the nails did for you. The life you will live, including everything and much more than your list, will not be yours but Christ living in you.”
“Malo, that is what I want for you. In Christ you will serve God not because you have lists, but because you love him. In Christ you will serve your neighbor, not because you have lists, but because you love them. That Malo, is what I offer you. The next part in your journey to God. My stone, given for you."
Just then I hear, "Malo, Malo, where are you?" I glance up in surprise and see Dana standing where I left her in front of the barn.
"Come," Yesh says, standing and walking nonchalantly on the water as he crosses the stream. "Dana is waiting." I run to catch up, and manage to leap over the stream without getting wet, by balancing on a boulder. I sure wouldn't mind having that walk-on-water skill, I think as I catch up to Yesh. One day…maybe one day.
"Go to Dana Malo, she has a message for you," Yesh says. "Remember me."
I hear a beautiful sound in the tree above me and looking up catch the radiant flash of orange and royal blue as the sunbird slowed a million times hovers in the air.
I'm standing in front of Dana. "Malo...what..." she begins. I turn to see if she is looking at Yesh but he has gone. I spin around and the old barn has replaced the new. Turning back to Dana I ask, "What were you going to say? What did you see?"
She is quiet for a bit as if thinking. "No, it's just silly."
"Please tell me, it's important," I plead, “What did you see?”
"It’s strange Malo, but for a moment your face looked like it was...well like it was shining, really shining. I told you it was silly. Probably me just spending too long out in the sun. Come on, did you get to have a look around? What do you think?"
How do I answer that? "It's beautiful," I reply, "it has more potential than we can ever imagine, if only we let Jesus build it."
She smiles, “I believe you are right, Malo. Here is my vision for this old barn,” she says turning the drawing she was working on around so I can see it. I’m stunned! It looks exactly like the place I’ve just seen with Yesh. She smiles, and grabbing her things heads back towards the car. “Is that the message Yesh said Dana had for me?” I wonder as I follow her to the car.