13. Giving Up
??:??, Sat, 4 May
It's the ethereal, music coming from the soft surface I'm lying on that starts me to open my eyes. I'm lying on a soft bed of grass.
"I was wondering how long you were going to lie there with your eyes closed." I turn around and see Yesh sitting nearby, his face alight with a smile. He's busy tying off a balloon which he places on the grass next to another one.
"What...you...this place?" I stammer. My head is a jumble of questions. What is going on?” I scream internally.
Yesh walks over and puts his hand on my shoulder. Immediately a sense of calm fills me. "Come, let's go for a walk, it's such a beautiful day," he says picking up the balloons.
I get up and walk beside him.
After a moment I say, "OK, I really need to know what is going on, so I'm just going to ask - and sorry if it sounds crazy. Are you Jesus? I mean, like the real Jesus?"
Yesh turns and fixes me with those probing eyes. "Who do you say that I am?"
"I'm not sure," I admit. "I'm so confused. I just don't know what's real anymore. Is this real?" I ask.
"What is seen is temporary but what is unseen is real and eternal," he replies.
"But," I say, "I’m just not getting it. You told me to open my hand. And I tried. On several occasions. It was snubbed, disregarded or ended up being pointless. I've given up trying."
Just then two children come running up to Yesh. They are giggling in delight when they see him. He turns and scoops them both up in his arms. "Aah, there you are, I knew you wouldn't stay away long," he says to them. "So what do you want it to be?" he asks them.
"Wolfy, wolfy," says the one with glee.
"A lamb please," says the other.
Yesh puts them down and reaches for the two balloons.
The children giggle and jump up and down on the spot in anticipation. In moments he's taken the two balloons and twisted them into a wolf and a lamb.
"Here you go," he says, placing the balloon animals on the grass.
The children go racing off leaving the balloon animals behind on the grass. But to my amazement the two balloon animals chase after them, transforming into real animals before my eyes. The lamb pounces on the wolf and they both roll across the grass only to leap up a moment later and chase after the laughing children.
“OK,” I think to myself. “This is the place where anything is possible, so lets just ignore what just happened there.”
"Malo, come over here," Yesh says, "and give me a hand."
"Oh no," I reply, "I've fallen for that before. You are not getting me to do some crazy thing again." I walk over to where Yesh has stopped. Hundreds of balloons are lying in a huge pile.
"Don't worry, Malo, no physical exertion needed, just a bit of Dad's free air." I still can't get used to him saying that, especially now that I realize...I think...who his dad is. He sits down and picks up a balloon and blows into it. In no time it's inflated and lying next to him.
"OK," I relent, as I sink to the soft grass. The air is tinged with a fragrant spring smell. The sun is clear and a soft breeze gently moves the trees. A symphony of butterflies dance to the music of the wildflowers. Aah, it's so good to be back.
"Right," I say, "I have to ask you a few things. Firstly who is Leb Olam who painted that painting? Was that you? Was it some real person? I mean..." I know I'm getting ahead of myself, "I mean, can I get here again by finding him?"
Yesh blows up another balloon with ease and places it on the grass. "It's like Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end. Sometimes at the beginning you need to look to the end to understand the beginning." With that he picks up another balloon.
I stare blankly at him. However no further explanation is forthcoming. "What?" I say. "What are you talking about?"
Silence.
"OK, never mind. That's not so important. Let’s get back to this stone," I reply, drawing the white stone out my pocket. "So, I tried the whole, ‘start your journey to God by opening your hand’ thing, and I can tell you it did not work. I basically got my hand bitten off."
Again, Yesh is quiet while he completes yet another balloon.
"Are you going to help?" he asks inclining his head towards the pile of balloons.
"OK," I mumble as I reach for one. I blow into it and realize that I don't have the lungs I thought I had. I'm red-faced as I finally get the balloon inflated. Yesh does not seem to notice as he nonchalantly inflates another one.
"Aren't these balloons interesting," Yesh says, again seemingly ignoring my question. “If you look at it,” he says holding up an uninflated one, “its just a bit of formless plastic. It's got no shape, has little purpose, in fact it's more of a choking hazard than anything. Essentially it's worthless."
My ears are ringing as I blow as hard as I can to inflate my second balloon. This one seems even harder than the first. How is Yesh doing it so easily?
"But once they are inflated," Yesh continues, "they are transformed. They have shape, a purpose and bring children hours of pleasure." He places another completed balloon down.
I know Yesh said this was not a competition, but I'm not going to be a wimp with these balloons. I reach for a big balloon. He also grabs another seemingly unaware of my inability.
This time I take a deep breath, determined to do this like he does. Determined to try harder. I exhale, forcing a lung full of air into the balloon, but it hardly inflates and before I can stop the air escaping it deflates completely, leaving me feeling slightly lightheaded.
"Forget this," I say, tossing the balloon on the floor in resignation, "I give up. Man! I can't even blow up stupid balloons."
Yesh looks at me with that look. "Come, I want to give you something," he says standing up and striding off before I can say anything.
I hurry after him. He walks up to an aqua lake that is a perfect twin of the sky above it. It's smooth glassy surface reflects the heavens, almost better than the original itself. A small rowing boat has been pulled up on the side and Yesh begins pushing it into the water.
"Come on," he says, "jump in." I jump in as he pushes us out into the lake. "Here," he says handing me a fishing rod.
"Um, thanks," I say taking the fishing rod. I've never really been much a fisherman. I did some fly fishing once when Randle and I were invited away by one on our clients. But that's about it.
Yesh laughs, "That's not what I wanted to give you," he says. "Let's just catch some fish." I cast my line in and wait as we drift quietly along the lake. The day is so still. Is this where God is found, I wonder. In stillness?
After a while Yesh says, "Try casting your line on the right side," he says pointing to other side of the boat. “Whatever!” I think, as I real in my line and toss it over the other side.
The moment my line hits the water I feel a fish take it. In moments an exciting battle between me and the fish ensues which I finally win as I haul a beautiful silvery fish into the boat.
"That's great Malo," Yesh says looking at me beaming in pride at my catch. "Now open the fish’s mouth and get your gift."
I stare blankly at him for a moment. "Come on Malo, take out the hook, open his mouth and then throw him back. He’s always such a good sport about this, I don't want to keep him out of the water too long."
I remove the hook and then open the fish's mouth, which seems to be regarding me with unblinking watery eyes. Inside I find a white stone. As soon as I remove it the fish flops once...twice and lands back in the water, before disappearing in a flash of silver.
I turn the stone over, it looks similar to the other one except this time there is a different mark on it. It looks like an “n” or a three-sided box. "Excellent, Malo," Yesh says regarding me. "This is the second part of your journey to God."
"What? Another stone with a box thing on it?" I ask.
"What happened when you tried to give to people?" Yesh asks.
"It didn't work well," I grumble. "I gave up."
"What happened when you tried to blow up that last balloon?" he asks. I'd sort of hoped he had not noticed that.
"I couldn't," I mumble, "I gave up."
"Exactly!" Yesh exclaims with a smile, "you gave up, or rather you should of given up, but rather you chose to give in."
Before I can express my confusion he continues. "Look at the stone. You have eyes but you do not see. What do you SEE?" he says emphasizing "see".
I look carefully. It's obviously not a box, I think to myself. Come on, use your creative mind, I urge myself. "A door?" I suggest. "A window maybe?"
"Yes," Yesh says. "And what is a window for?" he asks.
"Well, I suppose it is to let air and light into a house."
"And?" he prompts.
"Um, to let air out of the house?" I offer hopefully.
"Yes!" He says again, beaming his smile at me. "You see Malo, sometimes what is inside has to be let out, because until we do we can never replace it with something better. This symbol is air, breath," he says breathing out and making a "hhhay" sound.
I sigh, feeling a little exasperated by this.
"That's exactly right, Malo," Yesh says.
I look confusedly at him.
"When you are frustrated, when you finally feel you can't handle it, you sigh. That's letting the air out. Just like the balloon. Only if you can get the air out does the balloon get shape, and purpose."
"So what you are saying," I reply, "is that I must give up?"
"Yes, give UP," he says pointing at the sky, "but do not give IN. Too many people give in. When they reach the end of what they can do they collapse into themselves. But I want you to give UP, which means sigh,” he says exhaling deeply, “Let go of yourself but let God take over. That's giving UP."
"Sorry Yesh" I reply, "but respectfully this does not make sense. You are saying, like just give up if you want to succeed."
"You are right Malo, God's wisdom is foolishness for the world. If you want victory you must surrender. It's not about try harder, it’s about try easier. It's not about your strength, it's about God's strength. That Malo is your next step."
Yesh then puts his hands on me and looking up to heaven he sighs deeply and says 'Ephphatha'. Immediately it feels as though I am hearing for the first time.
"What did you do?" I ask startled.
Just then a group of children come running and rolling down the hill on the opposite side towards the lake. "Aah, there they are," Yesh says, and then much to my surprise he steps out of the boat and begins walking on the water towards them. After a few steps he turns around and says, "You coming Malo?"
"Um, no thanks," I reply, " I am a believer, but I think the whole walking on water thing is the advanced course. I'll skip this time."
"OK, suit yourself," he says and continues walking over to the other side.
I sit there, once again my mind reeling with everything that's happening. After a while I decide to row to where Yesh and the children are. However I suddenly realize that despite my rowing I am getting further away from the opposite bank. I row harder. But still I am carried backwards. It seems there is a current in this lake.
I turn around to see what is pulling me and to my shock I notice that the lake flows into a river. I look down the river and can see that it turns into some wild looking rapids a little further down. The current is getting stronger so I throw myself with renewed effort into trying to get to the side. I strain. I put all my strength into stopping the boat being pulled backwards. Why does Yesh not look up and notice what’s happening. However, despite all my effort I am being pulled inexorably towards the rapids. I am not going to make it. I can't do this. I try harder. I row more furiously. But nothing helps. I finally give up, throwing my hands up in despair..
"Help me Lord!" I cry out. "Help me!"
Immediately the boat is at the side of the lake. I scramble out on wobbly legs and collapse to the ground. The soothing sound of music immediately fills me as I lie on the soft grass.
"I was wondering how long you were going to lie there with your eyes closed." I turn around and see Yesh sitting nearby, his face alight with a smile. He's busy tying off a balloon which he places on the grass next to another one.
"What...you...this place?" I stammer. My head is a jumble of questions. What is going on?” I scream internally.
Yesh walks over and puts his hand on my shoulder. Immediately a sense of calm fills me. "Come, let's go for a walk, it's such a beautiful day," he says picking up the balloons.
I get up and walk beside him.
After a moment I say, "OK, I really need to know what is going on, so I'm just going to ask - and sorry if it sounds crazy. Are you Jesus? I mean, like the real Jesus?"
Yesh turns and fixes me with those probing eyes. "Who do you say that I am?"
"I'm not sure," I admit. "I'm so confused. I just don't know what's real anymore. Is this real?" I ask.
"What is seen is temporary but what is unseen is real and eternal," he replies.
"But," I say, "I’m just not getting it. You told me to open my hand. And I tried. On several occasions. It was snubbed, disregarded or ended up being pointless. I've given up trying."
Just then two children come running up to Yesh. They are giggling in delight when they see him. He turns and scoops them both up in his arms. "Aah, there you are, I knew you wouldn't stay away long," he says to them. "So what do you want it to be?" he asks them.
"Wolfy, wolfy," says the one with glee.
"A lamb please," says the other.
Yesh puts them down and reaches for the two balloons.
The children giggle and jump up and down on the spot in anticipation. In moments he's taken the two balloons and twisted them into a wolf and a lamb.
"Here you go," he says, placing the balloon animals on the grass.
The children go racing off leaving the balloon animals behind on the grass. But to my amazement the two balloon animals chase after them, transforming into real animals before my eyes. The lamb pounces on the wolf and they both roll across the grass only to leap up a moment later and chase after the laughing children.
“OK,” I think to myself. “This is the place where anything is possible, so lets just ignore what just happened there.”
"Malo, come over here," Yesh says, "and give me a hand."
"Oh no," I reply, "I've fallen for that before. You are not getting me to do some crazy thing again." I walk over to where Yesh has stopped. Hundreds of balloons are lying in a huge pile.
"Don't worry, Malo, no physical exertion needed, just a bit of Dad's free air." I still can't get used to him saying that, especially now that I realize...I think...who his dad is. He sits down and picks up a balloon and blows into it. In no time it's inflated and lying next to him.
"OK," I relent, as I sink to the soft grass. The air is tinged with a fragrant spring smell. The sun is clear and a soft breeze gently moves the trees. A symphony of butterflies dance to the music of the wildflowers. Aah, it's so good to be back.
"Right," I say, "I have to ask you a few things. Firstly who is Leb Olam who painted that painting? Was that you? Was it some real person? I mean..." I know I'm getting ahead of myself, "I mean, can I get here again by finding him?"
Yesh blows up another balloon with ease and places it on the grass. "It's like Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end. Sometimes at the beginning you need to look to the end to understand the beginning." With that he picks up another balloon.
I stare blankly at him. However no further explanation is forthcoming. "What?" I say. "What are you talking about?"
Silence.
"OK, never mind. That's not so important. Let’s get back to this stone," I reply, drawing the white stone out my pocket. "So, I tried the whole, ‘start your journey to God by opening your hand’ thing, and I can tell you it did not work. I basically got my hand bitten off."
Again, Yesh is quiet while he completes yet another balloon.
"Are you going to help?" he asks inclining his head towards the pile of balloons.
"OK," I mumble as I reach for one. I blow into it and realize that I don't have the lungs I thought I had. I'm red-faced as I finally get the balloon inflated. Yesh does not seem to notice as he nonchalantly inflates another one.
"Aren't these balloons interesting," Yesh says, again seemingly ignoring my question. “If you look at it,” he says holding up an uninflated one, “its just a bit of formless plastic. It's got no shape, has little purpose, in fact it's more of a choking hazard than anything. Essentially it's worthless."
My ears are ringing as I blow as hard as I can to inflate my second balloon. This one seems even harder than the first. How is Yesh doing it so easily?
"But once they are inflated," Yesh continues, "they are transformed. They have shape, a purpose and bring children hours of pleasure." He places another completed balloon down.
I know Yesh said this was not a competition, but I'm not going to be a wimp with these balloons. I reach for a big balloon. He also grabs another seemingly unaware of my inability.
This time I take a deep breath, determined to do this like he does. Determined to try harder. I exhale, forcing a lung full of air into the balloon, but it hardly inflates and before I can stop the air escaping it deflates completely, leaving me feeling slightly lightheaded.
"Forget this," I say, tossing the balloon on the floor in resignation, "I give up. Man! I can't even blow up stupid balloons."
Yesh looks at me with that look. "Come, I want to give you something," he says standing up and striding off before I can say anything.
I hurry after him. He walks up to an aqua lake that is a perfect twin of the sky above it. It's smooth glassy surface reflects the heavens, almost better than the original itself. A small rowing boat has been pulled up on the side and Yesh begins pushing it into the water.
"Come on," he says, "jump in." I jump in as he pushes us out into the lake. "Here," he says handing me a fishing rod.
"Um, thanks," I say taking the fishing rod. I've never really been much a fisherman. I did some fly fishing once when Randle and I were invited away by one on our clients. But that's about it.
Yesh laughs, "That's not what I wanted to give you," he says. "Let's just catch some fish." I cast my line in and wait as we drift quietly along the lake. The day is so still. Is this where God is found, I wonder. In stillness?
After a while Yesh says, "Try casting your line on the right side," he says pointing to other side of the boat. “Whatever!” I think, as I real in my line and toss it over the other side.
The moment my line hits the water I feel a fish take it. In moments an exciting battle between me and the fish ensues which I finally win as I haul a beautiful silvery fish into the boat.
"That's great Malo," Yesh says looking at me beaming in pride at my catch. "Now open the fish’s mouth and get your gift."
I stare blankly at him for a moment. "Come on Malo, take out the hook, open his mouth and then throw him back. He’s always such a good sport about this, I don't want to keep him out of the water too long."
I remove the hook and then open the fish's mouth, which seems to be regarding me with unblinking watery eyes. Inside I find a white stone. As soon as I remove it the fish flops once...twice and lands back in the water, before disappearing in a flash of silver.
I turn the stone over, it looks similar to the other one except this time there is a different mark on it. It looks like an “n” or a three-sided box. "Excellent, Malo," Yesh says regarding me. "This is the second part of your journey to God."
"What? Another stone with a box thing on it?" I ask.
"What happened when you tried to give to people?" Yesh asks.
"It didn't work well," I grumble. "I gave up."
"What happened when you tried to blow up that last balloon?" he asks. I'd sort of hoped he had not noticed that.
"I couldn't," I mumble, "I gave up."
"Exactly!" Yesh exclaims with a smile, "you gave up, or rather you should of given up, but rather you chose to give in."
Before I can express my confusion he continues. "Look at the stone. You have eyes but you do not see. What do you SEE?" he says emphasizing "see".
I look carefully. It's obviously not a box, I think to myself. Come on, use your creative mind, I urge myself. "A door?" I suggest. "A window maybe?"
"Yes," Yesh says. "And what is a window for?" he asks.
"Well, I suppose it is to let air and light into a house."
"And?" he prompts.
"Um, to let air out of the house?" I offer hopefully.
"Yes!" He says again, beaming his smile at me. "You see Malo, sometimes what is inside has to be let out, because until we do we can never replace it with something better. This symbol is air, breath," he says breathing out and making a "hhhay" sound.
I sigh, feeling a little exasperated by this.
"That's exactly right, Malo," Yesh says.
I look confusedly at him.
"When you are frustrated, when you finally feel you can't handle it, you sigh. That's letting the air out. Just like the balloon. Only if you can get the air out does the balloon get shape, and purpose."
"So what you are saying," I reply, "is that I must give up?"
"Yes, give UP," he says pointing at the sky, "but do not give IN. Too many people give in. When they reach the end of what they can do they collapse into themselves. But I want you to give UP, which means sigh,” he says exhaling deeply, “Let go of yourself but let God take over. That's giving UP."
"Sorry Yesh" I reply, "but respectfully this does not make sense. You are saying, like just give up if you want to succeed."
"You are right Malo, God's wisdom is foolishness for the world. If you want victory you must surrender. It's not about try harder, it’s about try easier. It's not about your strength, it's about God's strength. That Malo is your next step."
Yesh then puts his hands on me and looking up to heaven he sighs deeply and says 'Ephphatha'. Immediately it feels as though I am hearing for the first time.
"What did you do?" I ask startled.
Just then a group of children come running and rolling down the hill on the opposite side towards the lake. "Aah, there they are," Yesh says, and then much to my surprise he steps out of the boat and begins walking on the water towards them. After a few steps he turns around and says, "You coming Malo?"
"Um, no thanks," I reply, " I am a believer, but I think the whole walking on water thing is the advanced course. I'll skip this time."
"OK, suit yourself," he says and continues walking over to the other side.
I sit there, once again my mind reeling with everything that's happening. After a while I decide to row to where Yesh and the children are. However I suddenly realize that despite my rowing I am getting further away from the opposite bank. I row harder. But still I am carried backwards. It seems there is a current in this lake.
I turn around to see what is pulling me and to my shock I notice that the lake flows into a river. I look down the river and can see that it turns into some wild looking rapids a little further down. The current is getting stronger so I throw myself with renewed effort into trying to get to the side. I strain. I put all my strength into stopping the boat being pulled backwards. Why does Yesh not look up and notice what’s happening. However, despite all my effort I am being pulled inexorably towards the rapids. I am not going to make it. I can't do this. I try harder. I row more furiously. But nothing helps. I finally give up, throwing my hands up in despair..
"Help me Lord!" I cry out. "Help me!"
Immediately the boat is at the side of the lake. I scramble out on wobbly legs and collapse to the ground. The soothing sound of music immediately fills me as I lie on the soft grass.